Feelin’ kinda low
Another Saturday, another post. This week has been something else. I have been trying to get it all kinda lined up so when I sat down to write this morning, I would have it all straight. A cohesive series of witty observations and ideas. No such fucking luck. All is chaos right now, at least in the cavern that is my head. Things with my best trouble are bad, and I fear only going to get worse. I may have to face the facts here that this is at a end and I need to figure out a way to bow out somewhat gracefully. In the history of bad timing, this is pretty much the top of the hill. I guess it remains to seen if I am going to have to pull that trigger, but it is not looking all that good. If I look at the time line of it, I can see the one or two things that I would have to done slightly differently, and I would be in a much better place I think. But, coulda, woulda, shoulda I guess is the only thing to say to that. My first regret.
This is where I get a bit soppy. This is not a usual state of mind for me, so please bear with it, and it will be over soon enough. I view being stupid over stuff like this like eating Cheetoes, I know it’s not good for me, and in the end it just leaves you empty, but it is somewhat comforting for a little while. And as long as you don’t make them your main course, but just a treat every now and then, it will all be okay. I feel like I have royally screwed the pooch on this thing. I am not usually taken to flights of fancy when it comes to the opposite sex. I actually try to be as clinical as possible. I find that it keeps you level when looking at someone as a potential partner. Keeping the rosy shit to a minimum lets you see who they actually are, and you can make a better choice. Gives you a shot at longevity. In a nut shell, don’t think with your genitalia and things will work out better. Trust me. My parents thought with their naughty bits, and we have all seen the results of that. But I think I got caught off guard in this scenario. I wanted that one time where, you beat the odds (which almost NEVER happens) where you meet someone, and it is a instant connection, and that you are the only two in the world. Stupid movie type shit.
But I so know better. That does not happen. Ever. Well, not to me anyways. It is always weird, but never that sort of instant connection. Except for this time. And now the whole thing seems to be unraveling at light speed. And there is fuck all I can do about it. Damnit. Nothing like placing a bunch of mines in your own path and then hopping merrily forward. And then being shocked when you loose your legs. Stupid is what I would call that. Big ole’ bucket of stupid. But even worse, there is that germ of pointless hope that is sitting somewhere in my mind that is saying “Maybe”. Perhaps there is a chance after all. Gah. As someone said to me a few days ago, “I wish I could just see the future already, it would make things SO much easier. Not like years into the future, just a few months would be fine.” No shit.
As for the non-boo-hoo-poor-adam type stuff. Loads of writing getting done. Zombie Screenplay 2nd draft-Done. Finishing Last(C) Screenplay-Well on it’s way. The ever present book-Being polished. Hand-Better. But still kinda broken and sore, but I can at least type with a bit more accuracy then a week ago. I don’t look like I am trying to type with boxing gloves on.
Blah…I got shit to do.
Leave a Reply